18-year-old Addison Schacht, a Jewish high-school senior in Washington D.C., responds to the essay question, "What are your best and worst qualities?". He explains he has only bad qualities, as illustrated by the events of his senior year. They include collecting offensive jokes; dealing drugs to his classmates; and insulting teachers, fellow students, and his girlfriend's mother. But his classmate is killed, and he begins to investigate the death.

Flamboyant Glasgow hairdresser, Crawford Mackinzie, gets a letter from the World Hairdresser International Federation inviting him to its prestigious annual contest in L.A. Filmmaker Martin Samuels is making a fly-on-the-wall documentary about Crawford; he and the crew go too. After maxing out his credit card at the Century Plaza Hotel, Crawford discovers he's been invited to participate in the audience, not the contest; he tries every angle imaginable to get in the competition: he phones fellow Scot Sean Connery, he gets a union card, he asks the reigning champion for help, and he connects with Connery's publicist, who's having a bad hair day. Will he succeed, for the little people?